Food and weight-maintenence blog for the POST diet girl

I feel fat.

I hate it. I don’t WANT to care. I don’t want to worry about it. My husband is sexually attracted to me again! I’m not cold anymore! It’s a GOOD thing that I’ve gained weight!

But its so hard to not think of myself as huge when I don’t fit into my tiny clothes anymore. I can see my 120 lb self look at my (probably) 140 lb self and saying “GOD I would just want to DIE if I was ever that fat again!”

I ate leftover banana pineapple baked oatmeal and a huge slice of pie.

Then we got the call that my husband’s grandpa died. (It’s ok, we were ready for it and so was he.)

I spent the rest of the day feeling terrible about myself for eating pie for breakfast. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about “what I had become” and how I was going to get huge and fat again. I wasn’t terribly hungry for lunch. I didn’t have any. The family all went out to a bar to eat dinner and since it was being paid for I went ahead and got a grilled chicken salad (with dressing on the side of course so I could use only a tiny bit of it). So I didn’t completely starve myself and tried to eat healthy. My cousin’s dad kept making weird remarks about my meal. First it was “So I see you’re not eating anything.” This was said after people who had meals with smaller portioned dinner salads had gotten their first course and before anyone had gotten their REAL meals. So I said “Uh, no I ordered something, I just haven’t gotten it yet.” Then after I ate my salad (which was HUGE) he said “So you just had a little lettuce then?” and I answered “Noooo there was a whole chicken breast on that, and eggs, and cheese, and tomato, and honey mustard dressing” and he seemed somewhat satisfied with that answer.

The judgements just really pissed me off though. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through. How I feel about myself. I just wanted to feel not fat for a day by eating healthier and instead I get judgements from the peanut gallery even though I’m clearly about 15-20 lbs heavier than I was 3 months ago.

I didn’t completely fail you though.

The idea of throwing up my breakfast crossed my mind SO many times. But I didn’t.

It’s so much easier to have an eating disorder. It’s so much easier to just say no all the time. Then you forget how good things taste. You forget what its like to say yes. You never do. So you never miss it. It’s so much harder to eat in “moderation” instead. “Moderation” means you say yes SOMETIMES. It’s so hard. You give yourself the opportunity to see what you’ve been missing. But then you’re only allowed to have it “sometimes”.

It’s so much easier to just say no all the time.

I cheered myself up a bit by watching some Sherlock “Great Game” commentary (which was cute and hilarious) with my cousin. My husband went out drinking with his friends, so we got the house to ourselves. That was nice. Due to all of the craziness and events of the day, I didn’t get pictures of any of my meals and am also probably going to be turning in ridiculously early. I also didn’t get the chance to work out at all. No time for yoga. No time for the gym. I want to try to make a really healthy breakfast in the morning. I hope I find something awesome. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow so here’s hoping its easy….whatever I find. If I’m hungry in the morning….

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Comments on: "I feel terrible about myself today :(" (4)

  1. MissPistachio, i sure do hope that my recent announcement has cheered you up some! The dialogue with your family is so close to my heart because it could be a complete duplicate of conversations with my family. Hell, my family made me murder ice cream last week. (i wrote about it, too). Just know that you’re fabulous, and I look forward to hearing from the MissPistachio who doesn’t give a fuck about what others think. She’s a really good writer, chef, and person. 🙂 xxx

    • Ah yes! I did read about the untimely death of your ice cream! It had it coming, ~_^

      It just isn’t fair when I’ve been trying SO hard and yet people still think something is wrong just because for one evening out I choose a salad over a big greasy burger. I asked my cousin (who’s actually my husband’s cousin in case its confusing anyone…but its just easier to tell people shes my cousin) if her family thinks I don’t eat or something. She said she didn’t know and that its probably just because he’s drunk that he’s making comments like that. He doesn’t realize he’s being rude. I believe her, so I’m trying to not let it bother me.

      And YES the news made me feel a hundred MILLION times better!!! *jumps up and down*

  2. I know what you mean, it’s easier to give in all the time and that’s what i’ve been doing for a long time. It’s exhausting trying to fight it as well! I know your Uncle was probably coming from a concerned place rather than being judgemental but it sometimes doesn’t help. Great pose 🙂 xx

    • EXACTLY! Giving in to the disorder is SO much easier. That in-between area is so hard to stay in. It seems I’m either eating 2 eggs and toast for breakfast every morning or triple chocolate raspberry coffee cake every morning! NO in-between! Why can’t I just have the coffee cake SOMETIMES and something healthier the rest of the time? Why is it so hard? :<

      I know it…and he doesn't really see me often enough to see the changes in my weight the past couple months, so he probably doesn't even noticed that I've gained a bunch of weight back. Salads are not particularly common in their family, they wouldn't consider something like that a "meal", so I can see why he would sort of joke about it. But it's hard when people just don't understand. He doesn't understand that I had super mac and cheese with like a pound of cheese and Chinese buffet and chocolate dessert buffet and pie for breakfast and shit like that for the last 3 days and I ate myself sick and I just want a salad….

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