I feel fat.
I hate it. I don’t WANT to care. I don’t want to worry about it. My husband is sexually attracted to me again! I’m not cold anymore! It’s a GOOD thing that I’ve gained weight!
But its so hard to not think of myself as huge when I don’t fit into my tiny clothes anymore. I can see my 120 lb self look at my (probably) 140 lb self and saying “GOD I would just want to DIE if I was ever that fat again!”
I ate leftover banana pineapple baked oatmeal and a huge slice of pie.
Then we got the call that my husband’s grandpa died. (It’s ok, we were ready for it and so was he.)
I spent the rest of the day feeling terrible about myself for eating pie for breakfast. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about “what I had become” and how I was going to get huge and fat again. I wasn’t terribly hungry for lunch. I didn’t have any. The family all went out to a bar to eat dinner and since it was being paid for I went ahead and got a grilled chicken salad (with dressing on the side of course so I could use only a tiny bit of it). So I didn’t completely starve myself and tried to eat healthy. My cousin’s dad kept making weird remarks about my meal. First it was “So I see you’re not eating anything.” This was said after people who had meals with smaller portioned dinner salads had gotten their first course and before anyone had gotten their REAL meals. So I said “Uh, no I ordered something, I just haven’t gotten it yet.” Then after I ate my salad (which was HUGE) he said “So you just had a little lettuce then?” and I answered “Noooo there was a whole chicken breast on that, and eggs, and cheese, and tomato, and honey mustard dressing” and he seemed somewhat satisfied with that answer.
The judgements just really pissed me off though. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through. How I feel about myself. I just wanted to feel not fat for a day by eating healthier and instead I get judgements from the peanut gallery even though I’m clearly about 15-20 lbs heavier than I was 3 months ago.
I didn’t completely fail you though.
The idea of throwing up my breakfast crossed my mind SO many times. But I didn’t.
It’s so much easier to have an eating disorder. It’s so much easier to just say no all the time. Then you forget how good things taste. You forget what its like to say yes. You never do. So you never miss it. It’s so much harder to eat in “moderation” instead. “Moderation” means you say yes SOMETIMES. It’s so hard. You give yourself the opportunity to see what you’ve been missing. But then you’re only allowed to have it “sometimes”.
It’s so much easier to just say no all the time.
I cheered myself up a bit by watching some Sherlock “Great Game” commentary (which was cute and hilarious) with my cousin. My husband went out drinking with his friends, so we got the house to ourselves. That was nice. Due to all of the craziness and events of the day, I didn’t get pictures of any of my meals and am also probably going to be turning in ridiculously early. I also didn’t get the chance to work out at all. No time for yoga. No time for the gym. I want to try to make a really healthy breakfast in the morning. I hope I find something awesome. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow so here’s hoping its easy….whatever I find. If I’m hungry in the morning….