I would much much prefer to believe that today didn’t happen.
Can I do that please?
I don’t understand what happened.
I don’t want to get too far into it. I don’t even want to talk about it at all, but to keep myself accountable I have to tell you about some of it.
So here’s a list of everything I ate before 3:00 PM.
2 Eggo Waffles with maple syrup
2 Pop Tarts
A bowl of Reese’s Puffs cereal with 2 % milk
2 slices of Bacon
2 Sausage links
Scrambled Eggs with cheese, onions and peppers
Half a bag of Cheese Fries (I threw the other half out)
Most of a small bag of Sweedish Fish (I threw the rest out)
Half a small bag of Gummy Worms (I threw the rest out)
2 Cadburry Cream Eggs
1 Cherry Air Head (out of a package of 6, I still have the others)
A Starbucks Vanilla Frappaccino drink thing
A small bottle of Vitamin D Milk
I think that was everything.
Why did I do that? Because it was there. Because I could. And so I did.
I was also just plain bored on the way home from my cousins, so I bought some of that for the car ride home. I felt AWFUL about myself afterwards.
This was a legit binge. I feel terrible. I can’t understand why I did it.
I was too happy. I let my guard down. I should know better than to do that.
Binging doesn’t make me happy. It never has. It always and forever just makes me feel terrible about myself.
I felt like a huge fat ugly slob.
I got home at about 3:30 and went to bed. My husband needed me to take him to his study group with his fellow bartending classmates since they are all taking their test this Saturday. So I woke up around 6. My husband knows something is wrong. He knows. I hate that he knows. But it turns out its also good that he knows.
“I think after I drop you off I’ll go work out. I don’t feel good.”
“Your tummy hurts?”
“You eat a bunch of junk food today?”
I nod again.
“Working out will make you feel better. It always does. I love you!”
“Thanks sweetie. I love you too.”
Things went up from there. I felt better. Encouraged. Happy that he doesn’t judge me and instead encourages me to do something healthy to make me happy. It was really nice. I don’t know if he totally understands how nice those words were. How much it helped.
My workout was awesome. It was easy to keep my heart rate up. I felt better.
I didn’t eat for the rest of the day though. I’m not hungry. My stomach still feels bad, better, but its churning a lot.
Once again though, I didn’t fail you completely. I didn’t throw up.
I wanted to. REALLY badly. Really really badly. But I didn’t.
Thank you for reading. Without you, all of you, any of you, I would have thrown up. I know that I have to tell you. I HAVE to. I didn’t want to tell you about everything I ate today. But I had to. It’s the only thing that will keep me from fucking up completely.
So thank you again.
I will once again try to pretend that this day never happened and think back to how amazing yesterday was instead.
Yesterday I was so happy.