Food and weight-maintenence blog for the POST diet girl

Gap day

I would much much prefer to believe that today didn’t happen.

Can I do that please?

I don’t understand what happened.

I don’t want to get too far into it. I don’t even want to talk about it at all, but to keep myself accountable I have to tell you about some of it.

So here’s a list of everything I ate before 3:00 PM.

2 Eggo Waffles with maple syrup
2 Pop Tarts
A bowl of Reese’s Puffs cereal with 2 % milk
2 slices of Bacon
2 Sausage links
Scrambled Eggs with cheese, onions and peppers
3 Donuts
Half a bag of Cheese Fries (I threw the other half out)
Most of a small bag of Sweedish Fish (I threw the rest out)
Half a small bag of Gummy Worms (I threw the rest out)
2 Cadburry Cream Eggs
1 Cherry Air Head (out of a package of 6, I still have the others)
A Starbucks Vanilla Frappaccino drink thing
A small bottle of Vitamin D Milk

I think that was everything.

Why did I do that? Because it was there. Because I could. And so I did.

I was also just plain bored on the way home from my cousins, so I bought some of that for the car ride home. I felt AWFUL about myself afterwards.

This was a legit binge. I feel terrible. I can’t understand why I did it.

I was too happy. I let my guard down. I should know better than to do that.

Binging doesn’t make me happy. It never has. It always and forever just makes me feel terrible about myself.

I felt like a huge fat ugly slob.

I got home at about 3:30 and went to bed. My husband needed me to take him to his study group with his fellow bartending classmates since they are all taking their test this Saturday. So I woke up around 6. My husband knows something is wrong. He knows. I hate that he knows. But it turns out its also good that he knows.

“I think after I drop you off I’ll go work out. I don’t feel good.”

“Your tummy hurts?”

I nod.

“You eat a bunch of junk food today?”

I nod again.

“Working out will make you feel better. It always does. I love you!”

“Thanks sweetie. I love you too.”

Things went up from there. I felt better. Encouraged. Happy that he doesn’t judge me and instead encourages me to do something healthy to make me happy. It was really nice. I don’t know if he totally understands how nice those words were. How much it helped.

My workout was awesome. It was easy to keep my heart rate up. I felt better.

I didn’t eat for the rest of the day though. I’m not hungry. My stomach still feels bad, better, but its churning a lot.

Once again though, I didn’t fail you completely. I didn’t throw up.

I wanted to. REALLY badly. Really really badly. But I didn’t.

Thank you for reading. Without you, all of you, any of you, I would have thrown up. I know that I have to tell you. I HAVE to. I didn’t want to tell you about everything I ate today. But I had to. It’s the only thing that will keep me from fucking up completely.

So thank you again.

I will once again try to pretend that this day never happened and think back to how amazing yesterday was instead.

Yesterday I was so happy.

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Comments on: "Gap day" (1)

  1. miss pistachio, i’m so sorry that i missed this post. i’ve been all about me for the last two days, wrapped up into my own internal battles, and i’ve completely neglected those who mean the most to me. i’m so sorry. so very sorry for not being here for you!

    when i travel, my return home eating is often knocked out of the park. i completely relate to eating more after an event. and i’m not sure of why. perhaps because i feel comfort when in my safe zone? i feel comfortable to eat in that safe zone? it always makes me feel like garbage afterward, but i somehow always allow myself a little bit more. that’s why i don’t travel anymore because it makes me feel bad. i am so happy that you didn’t succumb to the purge.

    bulimia fucking sucks.

    but we’re both stronger than it.

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