Got up early and started my morning off right…
Just a small extension of yesterdays antics.
Cupcakes still look gorgeous in the fridge. I hope they taste ok, I have not tried one.
No breakfast, not hungry.
My brother brings me something to carry my cupcakes in. I keep forgetting I don’t have things. I am poor.
We drive up to my Aunt and Uncle’s house. My Aunt has heard of my “famous cupcakes” and simply must take a peek. Here’s hoping they taste as good as they look.
This small town is putting on a Memorial Day parade. My brother and I want to go watch it. We park in a Family Dollar parking lot and walk up the street past the parade (waving at everyone and catching Tootsie rolls, which I put into my purse and do not eat…I love Toostie rolls…) up to the park where the picnic will be. We shoot the shit around there for a little while, walk back to the car and drive back to the house. We help load food and whatnots into the cars and head off back to the park.
It is very hot and the only thing I can think of is “I really hope my buttercream doesn’t melt off…”
My life truly revolves around food.
Even though I haven’t eaten any in 2 days.
There’s so much food. SO much food. Normally, this would excite me. Today, I am apathetic. I want to be excited, but I’m just not hungry. My brother knows I haven’t eaten. He encourages me to grab something. Just something. Even if its the only thing I eat all day.
I go for a cupcake first just to make certain they don’t suck.
They are some of the best I’ve made yet.
I find the smallest piece of rib I can find (2 bones). I grab the smallest piece of chicken I see. I take a very small serving of my brother’s broccoli salad (literally only 3 pieces of broccoli, some raisins and some onion). I grab a little pasta salad, some cherry tomatoes and baby carrots.
I eat the small portion of ribs and broccoli salad. I eat not even half of the small chicken breast. I pick at the pasta salad. I eat the cherry tomatoes, but not the carrots. I’ve left half a plate of food. I feel terrible, I HATE wasting food. But I can’t eat any more. I feel sick.
I also remember afterwards that it is Monday and I shouldn’t have eaten any of that.
My mind has been gone. It is not here. It is with him.
I miss him more than I’ve missed anyone in my life.
My cupcakes are a MASSIVE hit. My cousin INSISTS I open my own shop and goes around to everyone making certain they’ve tried one. Everyone who does agrees with her. I feel wonderful. Sick, but wonderful.
I have 1 left over. I decide I will take it to work and give it to G. If he’s there. I know he has some nerd convention that he is going to this week (can’t imagine why I like him) but cannot remember when it is. He’s always so goddamn sweet to me and taking me home every night and whatnot, he deserves one of my cupcakes. When I get home, I work on a project for a couple hours. I get that finished then go to call work to ask if he is there. The phone rings out. Shit. It’s a holiday, they are closed already. If he was there he is long gone.
I finish up another order and get it packaged. I decide to go on a night walk. No dinner. I’m not hungry.
At 9:30 ish I leave. I walk to the farthest post office, literally dancing all the way there and back listening to REM, Queens of the Stone Age, NIN, Simon & Garfunkel… It’s such a beautiful evening. I am so happy.
I miss him so much.
I will make up my Meatless Monday once again with a Meatless Tuesday instead. Knowing how I’ve been lately, it’ll just end up being “Foodless Tuesday” anyway.
I want to just drive to his place. And just cry to him. And tell him how much I miss him. How I couldn’t go another minute without seeing him. How I’ve missed him for years. How if I have to go one more fucking day without him I will lose my shit.
He and I have never worked that way. We’ve never once in our lives expressed our feelings AT ALL for each other. Not even when we were fucking 10 years ago. I would just go home without so much as a “Wham bam, thank you ma’am”. We never talked about it. Not before. Not during. Not after.
He told me he loved me once. Probably about 3 years ago. While I was married. He might have been drunk.
I told him I loved him too.
Exercise: Walk up and town small town street/park a couple miles, 4 mile night walk.