Food and weight-maintenence blog for the POST diet girl

Depression

This shit sucks.

I casually in the middle of conversation told Potential Future Husband #1 that I miss him.

He did not say it back.

So I did not eat.

At some point in the afternoon I had a small orange.

I went on a walk and bought cigarettes. I don’t even smoke.

I plan on living off of those for my meals for the next few days.

I did go to work and give my last cupcake to G (Potential Future Husband #3, technically). I sort of just went back to his department, put it down on the register whispering “This is for you….I gotta go, bye!” And he stood there in shock and awe with this beautiful happy/confused look on his face and eventually managed a “Wow…thank you…” as I left and waved at him.

I got to chat with him on the computer later at night. He told me I was quite the “talented baker” and likened me to a Cupcake Fairy who brings cupcakes to those they find deserving and then flit away. Sort of like me. ^_^ I admitted to him that he’d brightened my day. I was severely depressed. I know that he quit smoking years ago, so I admitted to him that I’d bought a pack of cigarettes. He absolutely BEGGED me to throw them out. I told him I’d not eaten in 3 days. He reminded me that food is fuel and I need it to function, he knows I had an ED at one point and knows I’ll just get even more depressed if I don’t eat. I tell him these things because I want him to yell at me. I want someone to care. He’s such a wonderful guy. He takes such amazing care of me, which I told him. He deserves so much more than what life has given him. He needs proper fucked.

I’m working on that.

It’s all so stupid. I have nothing to be depressed over. I talked to PFH#1 on the computer this night as well. He was just as flirty and rambunctious as usual. We had a great time chatting. He invited me over sometime to watch more stuff with him. It was nice talking to both of them at at the same time. They’re both wonderful guys…

He’s having dinner with his parents, so I don’t get to cook for him for his birthday.

I think I’m going dancing tomorrow night.

It’s going to be hard as my energy will be fucked due to the fact that I have not eaten.

It’s better than drinking all day….which was my other option.

Exercise: 5 mile walk

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Comments on: "Depression" (8)

  1. I hope you feel like yourself again soon. Its weird to say I miss you, but I do. Your posts are so normal and funny and inspiring and so much more. I’m sure that’s what all these great people love about you.

    Take care! Xx

    • Thank you…I know, I’ve absolutely not been myself. I love food so much and can’t bring myself to eat it. When I do, I get sick. It’s hell to not be able to do what you love. Cooking, eating, being in the kitchen is a huge passion of mine. And it’s abandoned me. I should listen to G and throw out my ciggs and just eat something…I always listen to him. I told him how hard it is not to do what he says. It breaks my fucking heart to think I’d hurt him.

      I hate not being me. 😦

      Thank you so much for the encouragement doll. I’m certain I’ll be ok soon.I’m re-learning things. I’ve been out of the game for 6 years now.

      • Blah!! The love-sickness is a roller-coaster. The physical reactions of emotions are so darn intriguing! A ‘nice’ ache of sadness to the pit of your stomach?! Just be mindful that these people like YOU, so try to let go of the anxiety of the feelings and embrace the YOU that you know and love too. Feel the butterflies and not the dread.

        Oh and definitely throw the ciggs away – i was a smoker before – it’s grim! Starting in the first place is a huge regret and now that I’ve quit (3 years now!) all smokers smell horrendous. You don’t look smelly – I imagine you smell of cherries, honey and freshly baked cupcakes.

        Chin up xx

  2. You’re an amazing motivational speaker! I do know they like me/care about me/etc…I overreact to issues of the heart. I know better than to blame PFH#1. He’s just being an idiot man who doesn’t know when he should say something. Thats what guys do. So instead I’m taking it out on myself. Which is also very bad. And then I’m hurting PFH#3 in the process, which is not cool either.

    I’m not exactly taking up smoking…I don’t want to anyway. It’s just until I feel like eating again. THAT IS EXACTLY what I generally smell like! ^_^ My apartment normally smells like candy and cooking and baking, but it’s been lacking that lately too. Maybe tomorrow I will be better. After a night of dancing. Working up a sweat like that is sure to make one hungry. Right?

    • Firstly I love that you refer to these men as PFH# πŸ™‚ You’re adorable Miss P – stop kicking the crap out of yourself. It’s great that you’re at least aware of why you’re ‘a bit off’ at the moment. And absolutely, dancing the night away should fire up some endorphins and hopefully encourage you to take a peaceful moment to eat something lovely.

      xx

      • I adore all my boys.

        I’ve always kept kind of a collection of them.

        I’m getting a little better. I need to not beat myself up so much over stupid shit. I’m in a weird place right now emotionally and I’m certain thats why I’m doing it. I will be okay. Today was a better day. ^_^

  3. PFH#1 sounds like a total douschebag.

    PFH#3 sounds so freaking adorable.

    • Nooo he’s not a douchebag. He’s really a great guy, I’m juat overreacting. And I know I am. It’s not his fault that I do stupid things to myself, its MY fault.

      And PFH#3 is TECHNICALLY taken. Kind of. To a girl on the West coast who is married and he hasn’t actually seen in many many years.

      I don’t think he’d turn down sex.

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