Food and weight-maintenence blog for the POST diet girl

I seem to have thrown all cares out the window when it comes to eating anymore.

I don’t order the lowest-calorie thing I see on the menu. I order what I’m “in the mood for”. Like a normal person?

I make crazy meals and huge portions and eat it all.

I haven’t counted one calorie since….holy crap it’s probably been 7 months.

But maybe this is some sort of weird binge stage? Maybe since I have a guy who seems to love me no matter what and we LOVE food and I feel happy and accepted…I’m not so worried about it anymore?

I don’t want to gain weight, but I’m sure I have. I mean, I have to be. My clothes all still fit the same and I still get LOTS of exercise since I have to walk everywhere, but I haven’t weighed myself in months and months, so I have no idea what I weigh. Theory suggests I weigh more though.

Is it possible to eat more “normally” like this and NOT gain a ton of weight?

I am confused.

Breakfast:

Sourdough Bread French Toast with Banana Raisin Maple Syrup

French toast is a no-brainer. The syrup however was made with banana slices caramelized in butter, maple syrup and raisins.

Lunch:

PB&J with homemade Applesauce

Just so you know, almost every time I have a sandwich I also munch on an extra slice of bread. I love bread. I’ve missed it so much.

Dinner:

I’m going to be honest….I’m thinking back a few days here and cannot remember what I had for dinner on this day. I have no picture of whatever it was, so I am assuming I went out and was silly and forgot my camera. I am shocked that I can’t remember.

Which is another prime example of why I feel I may have a totally new problem. I can no longer remember what I ate from day to day. I used to know EVERYTHING that I put into my stomach. I feel it’s a slippery slope from there to not even remembering what I ate. A slope back to being fat. I need to fix this immediately…

 

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Comments on: "Has my ED turned into something else?" (8)

  1. It is not a problem.
    It is a lifestyle. The ED. The health. All of it.
    It’ll come and go in different forms, but it will always exist.

    • I need to just not worry about it. I’m starting to think that if I gain weight, whatever. At least I’m happy. I was miserable when I was restricting/thin.

  2. I have to disagree that you ‘must’ have gained weight: you went through a period of eating only one meal a day, or not eating at all through being so lovesick. I’d assume you’d lose immense amounts of weight eating so little! And the food you post now doesn’t look like massive quantities or anywhere near enough to exceed your needs. It’s better not to remember what you eat or think about food so much – I wish I never thought about food at all!

    xxx

    • I agree with this wholeheartedly. Shame on me for not speaking up yesterday!

      Really, Miss Pistachio, I think that because you are ‘young’ into your eating disorder that you are experiencing the first cycle of thin – normal – thinner – omg I am eating again, so will I go back to normal, or will I stay thin?

      It happens to all of us.

      Jess and I have read between the lines on this (correct me if I’m wrong Jess). So just know that your bitches are here for when you need support!

      We love you!

      (Gwendolyn’s one of your bitches, too).

      x x x

      • Haha thanks, and I realize I go through periods of overeating, and then not eating at all, and then “normal” eating and whatnot. But like…what I make for myself I no longer take ANY consideration at all into the calories that go into it. I ate half of a boxed meal the other day (I haven’t posted this one yet) that I shared with G one night when it was late and we needed something easy to eat…AFTER eating it I later found out my meal contained 825 calories even though it didn’t “look like a lot of food”. I’ve switched over to full-fat everything. Full fat butter. Full fat milk. Full fat ice cream. Full fat cottage cheese and sour cream and etc. If a recipe calls for sugar, you’d better believe I’m using twice the amount that it calls for. Yesterday I made a chai syrup for banana pancakes and used half a cup of brown sugar in it. I know you kids know how many calories that is…about 418! JUST IN SUGAR! That doesn’t even COUNT the butter I used to grease the pan I made the pancakes in, the flour or full fat milk or the banana itself I used for the pancakes…I mean that meal in and of itself…look I’m going to go through and actually count it out for you guys when I post it so you can see how badly I’ve actually been eating. I take little consideration what I put into what I eat anymore. Which is the exact opposite of why I started cooking to begin with. I started cooking to have that control. And now I’ve lost that control entirely.

        And so since I’ve lost that control I compensate by days that I skip meals or don’t eat anything at all. That time that I didn’t eat for 5 days was back in May, so 4 months ago. Any weight I might have lost from doing that (which I did lose a lot, I looked gross) has got to be back for the most part. My waist was a 25 and now it’s more of a 25.5 or, on some bad days, a 26. I don’t have a scale because I worry that if I see the number it might trigger something.

        One thing that does help: I tell G everything that I do. I couldn’t tell my ex anything. He wouldn’t have cared or wanted to help or even known what to do. So he never knew or understood the extent of my problem at all. G does know as I’ve shared EVERYTHING with him. He wants to help. So I tell him what I eat. What I plan on eating (or not eating). And if I’ve gone a day without eating, he knows. So I don’t think I’ll ever go on a 5 day foodless spell again. It really hurt him when I did that. One day of not eating after a large binge day (like the “all-you-can-eat-ice-cream-and-chocolate” day), he understands. Anything past that is unacceptable. That will help keep me accountable to those days.

        Being normal is hard.

  3. Hi 🙂 It sounds like your ‘problem’ is not so much a problem – it’s progress. LIFE is pushing your ED out – instead of ED pushing life out. I think a lot of people without ED don’t remember what they had for dinner if it wasn’t all that special. But they do remember the fun things they did and the amazing people they spent time with 😉
    I don’t agree that you ‘must’ have put on weight. And your clothes fit the same! It sounds like you are eating meals, not snacking in between, and you are eating a fairly wide range of nutrients over time. Some days you eat more, some days you eat less – our bodies are designed for that sort of intake and are great at evening it out. There is nothing excessive I can see about your intake – you sound like you are happier and healthier too, than you have been through any time of your ED when you were more ‘controlling’ of what you ate. And that’s what matters, you know. LIFE.
    Think of people without an ED – most of them don’t ‘control’ their intake or worry obsessively about it from one day to the next – and most of them stay pretty much stable in terms of weight. Can be hard to trust food/our bodies after living with ED where everything can seem topsy turvy in an instant – I totally understand that! I hope you find true peace with your body and live life even MORE xxxx

    • I have been told that “naturally” skinny people, sort of how I used to be, don’t even think about it. They just naturally balance what they eat. If they had a lot to eat at lunch, they just casually have a smaller dinner without even thinking about it. I believe I still have to think about it, but I’m trying to gain more of a balance like that, like how you were saying. I should just trust my body and what it wants. If I’m hungry, eat. If I’m not hungry, don’t eat. When I’m full, stop eating. It all seems elementary, no?

      My new life IS getting in the way of my ED! Haha! It’s completely turned it around! Today I’m going to eat fair food, gyros and funnel cakes and whatnot! I would have NEVER even CONSIDERED that before. And now I don’t mind! Instead of anxiety overtaking me, I am looking FORWARD to it, like a NORMAL person! Yet it still feels foreign to me in a way. It is nice to know I’ll have someone to SHARE that funnel cake with! ^_^ And he is fantastic! LIFE! It’s been so grand!

      Thank you for your encouragement yet again, darling Fiona! I do feel a bit better knowing that my body is trying to get back to a “regular” form of eating by eating less some days and more on others. Your knowledge on the subject is such a huge help!

      • I’m glad something I said helps in some way! I’m over the moon happy that you are going to the fair and going to enjoy the food! There is a yearly show in my city that I’ve not been to for years – partly now because it’s too darn expensive! But mostly because the thought of going there, smelling all the delicious smells, seeing the food vendors, and seeing the sample bags – the best part of it all, these horribly expensive bags of goodies and junk – would be torture when you aren’t ‘allowed’ to partake of any of it. It’s actually a representation of life on a whole with an ED – we are like starving orphans staring longingly in a window at people feasting. Food and life are so entwined – take one away, and the other will never be the same again.
        I went to a Greek fair last year – and ate the food! Finally I was part of things again 🙂

        It’s weird how we are learning things that if we hadn’t gotten eds, our bodies would just have looked after without our even thinking about it! xxx

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