I feel extremely lucky.
When I had an eating disorder, my brain wasn’t getting the right nutrients it needed to function properly. In retaliation, my brain inflicted on me a terrible depression among many other issues. I’ve always been an incredibly happy, optimistic, “never-let-anything-get-me-down” type of person. If I wasn’t smiling when I walked into my retail job, people (my co-workers, even regular customers) would immediately ask me if everything was alright. So when I became depressed and shut myself off from the world for a year, it was very apparent that something was wrong. This wasn’t me. Who was this? Who’s mind was living in the same body? Wait…was it even my BODY anymore? I wanted control…but this wasn’t even ME controlling myself now…so what’s the point? How did I let it get so bad that I once again gave up control?
Then 3 months ago I woke up and realized this was no way to live. I started eating real, nutritious foods again. I stopped worrying about calories and started focusing on good fats, protein, potassium, whole grains, vitamins and all those good things I’d been missing. I was so fucking focused on just one number and then wondered why things didn’t add up.
Now I feel absolutely AMAZING. My mind is back to my old self. I’m no longer somebody else. I am happy ALL the time, confident as hell, independent, no one but ME controls me. My body feels great. Looks great. I can take whatever life throws at me and shove it right back into its face.
List of shit I would be going through right now if I still had an eating disorder:
– Crippling depression. I would probably not be leaving the house.
– Severe self-hatred. No one could possibly hate me more than I hated me.
– Severe malnutrition. I would have probably stopped eating entirely by now. What I would eat would probably be crap on late-night binges.
– Lack of any form of confidence. “My husband doesn’t want me. No one will ever want me. I’m ugly. I’m fat. I’m a mess. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.”
– Self-blame. Even though I’d been nothing but an unconditionally loving wife who stood by him through thick and thin, I would have found some way to make this affair my fault. And I would have punished myself mentally and physically for it.
This is not the person you’ve been seeing this past week.
This was the disordered me.
I’m so glad she’s gone. This ordeal would be impossible to manage if she were still here.
I am lucky I woke up when I did.
Strawberry Ricotta Pancakes with Lemon Walnut Syrup
- 4 large eggs, separated
- 2 cups ricotta cheese
- 2/3 cup sour cream
- 1 1/3 cups all purpose flour( I used whole wheat)
- 1 tablespoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 1/2 cups whole milk (I used 2%)
Whisk yolks, ricotta and sour cream in large bowl to blend. Whisk flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda in another large bowl to blend. Add flour mixture to yolk mixture and stir until combined. Stir in milk. Using electric mixer, beat whites in another large bowl on medium speed until soft peaks form. Fold beaten whites into batter. Heat griddle or large skillet over medium heat. Brush with butter. Working in batches, spoon 2 tablespoons batter onto griddle for each pancake. Cook until golden brown, about 3 minutes per side. Serve with maple syrup.
-I also chopped up some strawberries and threw them in. Then I added a little vanilla extract, honey and cinnamon.
Lemon Walnut Syrup
1/3 cup Water
1.5 T Sugar
1 T Lemon Pudding/Pie Filling mix
1/2 T Lemon Juice
More water or juice as needed
Boil water. Dissolve sugar in water. Add lemon pudding mix and lemon juice and cook until thickened. Add more water to thin it out to desired consistency. Serve on top of pancakes with chopped walnuts.
*Yup. Holy crap. I didn’t get to whip the egg whites, but they still came out beautiful! They were delicious and not terrible for me! The whole wheat was a great idea, it was perfect with the lemon and strawberry! I would love to try and whip the egg whites next time, but honestly I didn’t need to. ^_^
Veggie Mix “Salad”
I needed something quick before going for a walk, so I microwaved some frozen peas and corn with some sliced carrots and baby spinach for about 4 minutes in a bit of water. After they were done, I drained them, added some chopped onion, Feta cheese, a little apple cider vinegar, about 1 t margarine, 1/4 t Chinese 5-spice, lemon juice, salt and pepper. It was wonderful! Nice and light for an afternoon walk! Yum yum!
Apple Cheddar Meatballs with Red Wine BBQ Apple sauce
Apple Cheddar Meatballs
Adapted from: http://sweetluvininthekitchen.blogspot.com/2011/06/apple-cheddar-meatalls.html
1 pound ground turkey or pork (I used lean beef)
1 cup sharp cheddar cheese, grated
3/4 cup breadcrumbs (I used quick-cook oats)
1 small, tart apple, such as granny smith, peeled and grated
1/2 small onion, grated
1/2 cup chopped parsley (Instead I used mint and tarragon)
1 egg, beaten
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
I also added cinnamon and a pinch of ground clove
Mix all ingredients together with your hands. Mold into small balls and place on an oiled baking sheet. Bake at 400 for 25 minutes, turning the meatballs halfway through.
While these were baking, I made some vegetable linguini. I was going to make couscous (next time I probably will) but I wanted the good vitamins and nutrients out of the vegetable linguini.
Red Wine BBQ Apple Sauce:
1/4 cup Red Wine
1/8 cup BBQ Sauce (I used a Michigan Cherry one for more fruit flavour)
1.5 T Teriyaki Sauce
A splash of Brandy
1 T Applesauce (or in my case I actually processed some extra apple chunks into mine)
1/2 small Apple, sliced
1/2 T chopped Tarragon
Pinch of Cardamom
1.5 T Brown Sugar
S&P to taste
I blended all the sauce ingredients in a processor except for the sliced apples. I poured the sauce into a pan, added the apples, and allowed it to reduce a bit until it was the thickness I wanted. I added some baby spinach and allowed that to wilt. I took it off of the heat and poured it on top of the meatballs and vegetable linguini.
*I always enjoy my apple and meat combinations. I miss my Captain Morgan’s Tattoo rum (my husband doesn’t even like it, but drank it all one night when he was desperate), it goes SO well in apple sauces. I always try to compensate with other alcohols and it never matches the awesome spices in that particular dark rum. Otherwise, if you had nothing to compare this to, it would be really amazing hehe!
I finally called my dad today. I had to break it to him that I was getting a divorce for the same reason my mother divorced him. It was really hard for him to take. He wants to see me for dinner sometime this week. We will talk over possible money/finance issues during that time. He knows I’ll pay him back, but I doubt he’ll take my money. He doesn’t need it. He can afford to give me $400 for a deposit. And even then, he’ll get it back when I eventually move out of my apartment.
I hope to get an apartment that faces East so I can watch the sunrise. This is the only luxury I am asking for. A window to the East. I hope it isn’t too much to ask…